TRANSLATING AMIR KHUSRAW (2)

1. The Persian lyric: difficulties in rendering its gnomic lyricism.

2. Retaining word repetition.

The Cloud Rains: Previous Versions

To chase up any missing izâfa, etc. we have to construct a metric table as before. The first line of the poem runs:

and the metre (for those who wish to know such things) is ramal sâlim makhbûn mahzûf. The exercise allows us to set out the word-for-word rendering as:

1. Cloud raining and I from friend become separated
          how I make heart such a day from in heart separated?

2. Cloud and rain and I and friend stood for farewell
          I separated weeping cloud separated you separated

3. Verdure new risen and passion fresh and garden head green
          nightingale disgraced remained from place separated.

4. From longing of root every hair from tresses of servant/fastening
          how do you from limb to limb the whole all at once separated?

5. Seen that from every you tearfulness becomes O pupil of the eye
          manliness do be not from vision/sight tearfulness separated.

6. Luxury of sight very pride that stayed after such as this
          remained if sight from him ease of vision separated.

7. Eye of hundred chinks for sake of you became as dust
          from liberated accept and make haste chinks vision separated.

8. Remain so soul not go from me although belief is not
          more from that willy nilly garden and guardian separated.

9. Beauty of you long not stand firm if from Khusraw you go
          flower many a long not remain if from thorn separated.

There are still a few conundrums (and no doubt some errors) but the sense can now be set out roughly as:

1. Cloud raining and I from friend become separated,
          how on such a day can heart from heart be separated?

2. Cloud and rain and I and friend are farewell-taking
          I separated, weeping, cloud separated,you separated.

3. The leaves are new risen, passion is fresh, and the garden green:
          (but) nightingale is disgraced and stays from the place separated.

4. In longing from root to tresses is the hair so fastened:
          how can the whole of it at once then be separated?

5. You are held in my tearfulness as the pupil of vision,
          would it manly to be from that tearfulness separated.

6. My pride in so looking that stays on from this
          remains if from luxury of looking I am separated.

7. From you in its hundred conceptions the eye is of dust
          make haste if not from its acceptance to be separated.

8. Whatever you think my soul will not leave
          for all that garden and guardian be separated.

9. Will your beauty last if from Khusraw you go
          more than the flower live long if from its thorn separated.

Fair Copy

Now we turn to the form and ask if we should repeat separated. Annemarie Schimmel avoids doing so with a free verse rendering, beautiful in its way, and many translators would follow. The rules in fact require an aa ba ca etc. rhyme scheme but not the word repetition. Rhyme even has advantages:

The nightingale is gone, disgraced, and in the garden
          now love and freshness are both heavily weighted.

But the effect is not the same. I'd suggest we keep the separated, varying the phrasing so that we have something that is not a typically European, but more shifting and syllable-dependent:

Cloud raining, and I from my friend am separated:
          how can, on such a day, the hearts be so separated?

You and rain and cloud are standing to make farewells
         and I weeping, and you and the rain separated.

Though leaves are new risen, passion is fresh, and the garden green,
          the nightingale is silent, from its sanctuary separated.

As the hair grows, from root to head-top, I am bound in service:
          how can all that longing suddenly be separated?

Persian translations: hafiz 1 . hafiz 2 . amir khusraw 1 . amir khusraw 2 . iraqi 1

© C. John Holcombe 2004 2005 2006 2007 2012.   
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